Plans
Pick whichever tier matches how much you'd like us to care.
Shared Hosting
One of many servers, shared among whichever strangers land on yours, held together by best intentions.
Starter
£2.99
/month
Does what it says on the tin, assuming the tin was labelled by someone else.
- 1 website
- 500MB storage (we counted generously)
- Uptime: aspirational
- Support: email, eventually
Plus
£5.99
/month
The one most people should probably get, so we stop hearing about it.
- 5 websites
- 5GB storage
- Uptime: we'll notice eventually
- Support: email, slightly sooner
Pro
£11.99
/month
For people who enjoy paying more for the same response times.
- Unlimited websites*
- 50GB storage
- Uptime: same as the others, just louder
- Support: email, with a sigh
Email Hosting
Your correspondence, technically delivered.
Starter
£1.49
/mailbox/month
One inbox. One problem you now own.
- 1 mailbox
- 2GB storage
- Spam filtering: best effort, naturally
- Shared IP reputation: only as good as our least careful customer
Business
£3.99
/mailbox/month
For teams who enjoy shared disappointment.
- Up to 20 mailboxes
- 10GB storage each
- Shared calendars nobody checks
- Spam filtering: best effort, same as everywhere else
- Blacklisting: happens occasionally; we usually notice within the week
Enterprise
£7.99
/mailbox/month
Same servers, better stationery.
- Unlimited mailboxes*
- 25GB storage each
- A dedicated account manager who is also best effort
- Spam filtering: enterprise-grade, in that it is the same filter as the other tiers
- Blacklist appeals: submitted on your behalf, eventually
WordPress Hosting
Managed, in the sense that someone occasionally looks at it.
WP Starter
£6.99
/month
One-click install, zero-click support.
- 1 WordPress install
- Automatic updates: on, so is the risk
- Plugin compatibility: not our department
WP Business
£12.99
/month
We handle updates once the anxiety about not doing so becomes noticeable.
- Up to 5 WordPress installs
- Weekly backups; restoration best effort
- Staging environment, occasionally in sync with production
WP Pro
£19.99
/month
Managed as thoroughly as everything else on this site, which is to say: best effort.
- Unlimited WordPress installs*
- Daily malware scanning; remediation best effort
- A migration specialist included at no additional charge, for once
VPS & Dedicated
More hardware, same shrug.
VPS Starter
£14.99
/month
Your own virtual machine, on hardware shared with housemates you will never meet.
- 2 vCPU, 2GB RAM (yours, in principle; the hypervisor is oversold)
- 40GB SSD
- Hypervisor shared with other tenants, on a first-come basis
VPS Business
£29.99
/month
More RAM, and a row of roughly five neighbours sharing the hypervisor either side of you.
- 4 vCPU, 8GB RAM (allocated generously, oversold slightly)
- 120GB SSD
- Managed reboots (when we remember)
- Hypervisor shared with around five other tenants, give or take
Dedicated Pro
£89.99
/month
The entire box is yours. So is the responsibility, mostly.
- Dedicated hardware
- 256GB SSD, 32GB RAM
- A phone number that goes to voicemail
Extras
Optional add-ons for anyone who wants to make this more complicated, and more expensive.
Content Delivery Network
£3.99
/month
Your content, delivered from whichever edge server happens to be closest and online.
- Edge nodes in multiple regions, when they are up
- Packet loss: kept below 40%, which we consider a reasonable target
- Cache invalidation: eventually, in the classic sense
Unmanaged Service
£49.99
/month, per server
We stay out of it entirely. Guaranteed silence from us, at a price.
- Zero involvement from us, contractually
- Applies on top of any VPS or dedicated plan
- Refunds not applicable: we did exactly what was promised, which was nothing
- Our favourite plan: whatever breaks is now yours, not ours
Managed SSL Certificate
£3.49
/month, per domain
Free encryption, managed by us, renewed with our usual level of urgency.
- Auto-renewal: automatic, assuming we remember to check
- Renewed once someone forwards us the "your connection is not private" email a third time
- Padlock icon included; what happens behind it remains a mystery
Web Application Firewall
£5.99
/month
Blocks most attacks, and a small but consistent percentage of legitimate logins.
- Blocks SQL injection, XSS, and roughly 12% of real customers
- False positives: considered an acceptable trade-off
- Rules updated whenever we remember there are rules to update
AI-Powered Support Upgrade
£6.99
/month
The same support team, rebranded. Response times unaffected, terminology much improved.
- Tickets are now "processed" instead of "read"
- Chatbot says "I understand you're frustrated" before giving the same answer
- No actual AI. We checked with legal; this is technically fine because everyone else is doing it too
Priority Queue Jump
£2.99
/month
Moves your ticket to the front of a support queue that does not really move.
- Your ticket is marked "priority"
- The response time remains unchanged
Reassurance Phone Call
£9.99
one-off
We phone you and say it is probably fine.
- One phone call, roughly five minutes
- Contents: reassurance. Diagnostics not included
We Actually Read Your Ticket
£3.99
/ticket
For an extra fee, a human will read your ticket in full before sending the usual reply.
- Ticket read start to finish, by a real person
- Reply content unaffected by having been read
Manual Backup Confirmation
£2.49
/month
We manually confirm that a backup was attempted.
- Monthly email confirming an attempt was made
- Success of the attempt not covered; see our SLA
DDoS Protection
£4.99
/month
We can't promise to stop it, but we'll definitely notice.
- Traffic monitored for anomalies
- Mitigation: attempted
- Notification: prompt. Action: less so
Uptime Monitoring & Alerts
£2.99
/month
We'll tell you when it's down. Eventually.
- Checks every 5 minutes, run via cron, on the honour system
- Alerts sent by email
- Alert delay: comparable to hearing it from a customer first
Expedited Migration Service
£9.99
one-off
Yes, we know migrations are advertised as free elsewhere on this site. This is the expedited version.
- Expedited means we do it this month instead of next
- Covers the same migration, just sooner
- Refunds not applicable once "sooner" has occurred
* "Unlimited" is subject to us deciding what unlimited means that week.